How to Host a Viking Funeral by Kyle Scheele

Author:Kyle Scheele
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2021-12-06T00:00:00+00:00

22

Only an Artist

When I was a senior in high school, I was walking into school one day and noticed that the Maintenance Department had chopped down a fir tree that was too close to the building. They had cut it into pieces for easy removal, and the top piece, a conical section about three feet long, was lying on the ground looking like a tiny Christmas tree.

The moment I saw it, I knew exactly what I was going to do. I ran to my locker, emptied the contents into my backpack, and put the tree inside, its end tucked into a cut-off soda bottle full of water. That night I went to the store and got garland, tinsel, and battery-powered Christmas lights. I brought a star and some ornaments from home, and for the next month I had a fully decorated, live Christmas tree in my locker. Between classes I would run down the hall, open the door to my locker, and just stand there letting people see the tree as they walked to their classes. The fragrant scent of balsam fir permeated my locker for the rest of that school year.

In college I was a counselor at a summer camp, and there was a competition where each team was given a bag full of Popsicle sticks, glue, rubber bands, and pipe cleaners, and whoever could build the strongest bridge would win a prize. I convinced my team that instead of building a bridge, it would be funnier if we built a refrigerator. We spent three days building a tiny refrigerator out of arts and crafts supplies. It had a separate freezer compartment, removable shelves, and even an adorable little egg tray that someone made by whittling minuscule divots into a piece of Popsicle stick.

When the time came to test everyone’s bridges, we brought ours in under a piece of black cloth. The recreation staff pointed at our team and said, “Okay, guys, bring up your bridge!” We pulled off the cloth and in unison (we had practiced this a bunch of times) said, “BRIDGE? I thought you said FRIDGE!!” Our entire team burst into laughter as the rest of the camp looked at us like we were insane.

As an adult, I was once sitting around a campfire when someone asked everyone in the circle, “If you won the lottery, what’s the craziest thing you would buy?” People talked about mansions and exotic cars and trips around the world. Then it was my turn. I answered with no hesitation.

I said, “If I won the lottery, I would buy a zebra that perfectly matched the size and shape of one of my mom’s horses, and I would have it painted to look exactly like the horse. Then I would swap them in the middle of the night. Eventually the paint would begin to wear off as the ‘horse’ rubbed against the bars of the corral, and my mother would think she was losing her mind as she watched a horse that she’s had for years and years slowly reveal itself to be a zebra in disguise.

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